7. "I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." 
I said, "You'll be sorry." 
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" 
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Emo Philips.  

10. "How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."
Emo Philips.  

15. "I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson." 
Emo Philips.  

16. "I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... re-election to the Senate?" 
Emo Philips.  

17. "New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him." 
Emo Philips.  

19. "People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi." 
Emo Philips.  

22. "When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
Emo Philips.  

30. "A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." 
Emo Philips.